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Archive for the ‘Self’ Category

It sounds simple enought, but I still forget it alot. I get so wrapped up in what is going on around me and what situations I find myself in. This, I believe is a remnant from old thinking patterns… I used to define myself by almost anything I could *except* who I really am.

Let’s see…

For a long time I meant drug user. I also meant punk rocker (I liked that persona best). I meant ‘bitch’ (I also prided myself on my big mouth). I meant pink hair. I meant high school drop out. I meant fuck-up… I also meant fat… then during my underweight years, I meant emaciated. I meant depression. I meant bulimic/anorexic/runner/diet pill addict. Once I hit college I was defined by my grades.

I had all of these things external to the essence of I that i was using to define myself. So, once I decided to let go fo those things I didn’t know what was left. Those first few months of recovery were very disconcerting. How did I know what I liked? What I didn’t like? How did I know what I was… or wasn’t? I took away so many of the external things that I’d used to fill the void where my sense of self should be that I was left with very litte.

But I did start to figure it out. Over time, and through trial and error, I started to figure things out. I noticed that I liked some foods better than others. I became more interested in certain topics than others. And things that I used to think I once wanted I often found out that the real I didn’t care much about them.

But I do not have a proclivity towards looking inwards for my “Self.” My tendency is to turn back towards the external things going on around me and define myself by them. And it is a near-daily battle for me to stay focused on my Truth. When I get wrapped up in those aspects of my life that are dissatisgying to me, then my “magic magnifying mind” (AA Big Book, unknown page) blows it totally out of proportion and suddenly I am the scum of the earth. Its the worst when I start to define myself by the (perceived) negative things I can’t control. For example, the second I assume the identity of “I am what I did in the past.” I am sure to start feeling like shit. I did some pretty horrible things. Both to myself and to other people, so if I believe that is who I am of course I will feel crappy.

So today I have to practice mindfulness about who I think I am. Today I ask myself, “Am I living as the Self I want to be? Or am I becoming my circumstances?”

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