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Archive for the ‘Remembering’ Category

I had 2 things happen today that caught me off guard.

First, I craved a drink. But more than that I started to fantasize about going to a club, dancing like a hootchie and getting plastered. THAT is very weird for me. Even when I was drinking I rarely went to clubs and even less frequently actually danced at them (that took time away from drinking!).

Second, I had a horrendous case of body distortion (actually it is still going on right now). I was pretty sure that my thighs were growing larger by the second and that everyone was disgusted by how disproportionately huge I am on my bottom half. Unlike the drinking thing, this sort of distortion (especially as it pertains to my thighs and butt) is not so out of the ordinary.

But what was out of the ordinary was the strength of both these incidents. Some days when my cravings (generally I consider my body distortion to be the equivalent to a craving because it triggers the urge to use symptoms) hit I can brush them off easily. But days like today they nearly take my breath away. Much like jumping into ice cold water, I feel my breath sucked out of my lungs.

And I know that they don’t actually have anything to do with *really* wanting a drink or *really* wanting to compulsively diet. Life is stressful right now and both options (drinking and the eating disorder) appear to me as plausible escapes from the stress. I’m pretty good at pin-pointing that now, but it has taken me a long time to get here. And its pretty clear from the potency of the cravings that I still have a long way to go.

And it is also a good reminder for me that my addiction is a live and well. It is also a good reminder of what I do NOT want to go back to. I felt tortured enough today dealing with these intermittent bouts of my old mindset – thinking about going back to a place where that is ALL I think about makes me shudder. In the moment my head will tell me that it will be so much easier if I just give in to the craving, but the more distance I put between me and my addictions the more I realize how untrue that is.

Today I am grateful for the tiny reminders that keep me moving forward.

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